


Disillusioned

by Lady_Crystal



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dean Hallucinates, Dean is having a bad day but hopefully it wil get better, Gen, apparent major character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-15
Packaged: 2018-04-07 05:05:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4250430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Crystal/pseuds/Lady_Crystal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After killing Cain, Dean's conditions get worse. Under the influence of the Mark, he does something horrible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello readers!  
> This work could not have happened without the help of cloud-of-ash.tumblr.com who has supported me during the making of this fanfic, done the beta reading, corrected my mistakes and patiently waited for me when I was having a crisis! so a huge Thank you to you Honey!

 

His blood was pumping frantically in his ears and he could see his own reflection in Castiel’s scared, widened eyes. And his reflection was smirking.

“Dean, please” breathed Castiel before Dean’s fist stopped him from continuing.

He could feel Castiel’s cheekbone break under the soft skin and he enjoyed it a lot.

Castiel fell backwards but managed to grab the table near him. Dean’s breath was heavy now. He could feel Castiel’s blood on his knuckles. It was hot and that sensation made him smile. He could smell Castiel’s fear in the air now.  He was enjoying it very much. Probably too much. Castiel stood up straight again and faced him once more.

“Dean stop, please. This isn’t you.” Castiel reached for him and Dean hit him again, kicking him in the chest this time, sending him flat on his back. A choked breath came out of Castiel’s mouth. This time Dean gave him no time to stand up. Instead he grabbed the angel by the hair and pulled him up. Castiel’s moan of pain sent a pleasing shiver along his spine.

“Oh it’s me. The new me, the better me.” Said Dean. He grinned as he saw terror and horror in Castiel’s blue eyes. Dean held the angel’s head still and started to punch his face repeatedly. After he was done, Castiel’s visage was a bleeding mess and the angel was barely conscious. Yet he was stubbornly keeping those blue eyes open, piercing into Dean’s. He was searching for something that was already gone. Dean felt the fury increase in his chest. He wanted to erase that blue, to extinguish the last bit of light and hope that he could still see there. He took the angel blade and slowly started to push the tip in Castiel’s chest. Angel grace started to drip, mixed with blood. Dean’s eyes kept staring at Castiel’s, enjoying every emotion written on. First came the pain, then the betrayal followed by the fear and… something else. Something that makes people die for each-other, something that Dean didn’t want to see. Something that angered him. He shoved the blade deep in Castiel’s heart and stared as the angel died, so Dean didn’t have to give a name to Castiel’s last feeling. A feeling that past Dean had known and felt, but that this version couldn’t comprehend and couldn’t feel. He pulled out the blade and stared at his last masterpiece. Castiel’s wings were spread open on the ground and the angel’s blood was slowly expanding on the ground. Dean smiled. It was perfect. It was almost as good as what Cain had told him it would be. Only it was better. But it was not over.

Sam found him covered in Castiel’s blood, standing over his corpse and ready.

“Dean!” the elder brother heard Sam’s gasp of terror and immediately after his fast running towards them. Dean didn’t even wait. He turned around and punched his little brother right in the guts, knocking the air out of him. Sam bent in two and fell on the ground. It was in that exact moment that Dean knew he had already won. He kicked his brother and by the sound of it he broke a couple of ribs. Sam screamed in pain and curled into a fetal position.  That wasn’t enough. Dean stomped on his left leg and the scream that came out of Sam’s body was a joy to hear. He waited until Sam had gained enough strength to talk a bit again. After all, he wanted to have some fun.

“Dean,  stop! What are you doing? Stop it please!” breathed Sam looking at him with his puppy dog eyes. The same look he had given him so many times. The only  thing that had never changed in his little brother. And now he hated it. He hated that sweet innocent look that Sam had kept addressing at him. He was going to end it once and for all. 

“Dean, it’s me! It’s Sam! Please stop it. Please come back!” Sam dragged himself away from him slowly. But Dean was on him immediately

“Oh Sam. I know very well who you are!” He knelt, so he could look at him in the eyes “and you know who I am” He pointed the blade at his throat.

“You’re my brother” said Sam, without even blinking. His hope and trust still in his eyes. It infuriated Dean.

“No! I’m your killer” and with a swift movement he slit Sam’s throat. Sam’s eyes widened and locked themselves into his as he started chocking in his own blood. And in that moment Dean snapped out.

“No!” he screamed letting go of the blade and putting a hand on his brother’s throat. Trying to stop the bleeding.  Sam’s eyes were losing their light  “No!” he turned around looking for Cas, only to find him dead beside them. “No, Sammy no!” he turned around looking at Sam, whose eyes were still looking at him. And he saw it. The exact moment when his little brother died. Dean’s hands were shaking. They were covered in blood. Castiel’s  blood and Sammy’s blood.

“what have I done” he whispered to himself. He looked at them. The two people whom had loved him more than anything, until the end. And then his legs gave up. Making him fall between them. He slowly reached for Castiel’s head  with his left arm and for Sammy’s with the right. Their eyes were open. Looking at him, accusing him of the horrible act.

“I’m so sorry…” he whispered touching Castiel’s forehead with his. “You gave up everyting for me. I’m so sorry Cas” he looked up and his own tears were now falling from him and running on Castiel’s face. He tried to wipe them away but he only managed to cover the angel’s face with more blood. Sam’s blood. He looked at his little brother. His Sammy. Whose eyes were still focused on him. He was supposed to keep him safe, to watch out for him, He was supposed to be his brother’s keeper. Instead he had become his murderer. This time his cry was not silent. He screamed until there was no more breath in his lungs and no more tears in his eyes. He stroked his brother’s always too long hair, kissed his forehead and held him tight until he felt empty inside. Then he stood up and left.

An hour later, when Sam and Castiel returned from their food run, the room was empty and Dean was gone.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to Cloud-of-ash for the beta reading and corrections!

 

Sam typed on his computer, hacking into the security cameras of the city, traffic lights, and everything he could hack into, to catch a  glimpse of the Impala. Dean’s phone was sitting on the table near him. His brother had left the Motel room voluntarily. There were no signs of a fight, no break in. Nothing. Just the empty room. And Sam hated not knowing why. Why did Dean leave without even a note? He had a gut feeling that something was wrong. Very wrong.

“I can’t find him Cas…” he said continuing his frenzy typing on the keyboard. He was not going to give up. Not on his brother.

Cas shook his head “I sense nothing on the Angel Radio, but I left an alert to some of my brothers and sisters to keep an eye open” Cas walked near Sam and looked at the security camera footages. Cars were hurrying on the road, trying to get home before the hailstorm hit the place. The air was so humid that it was becoming hard to breathe. He could smell the storm coming. The angel took a deep breath, filling his lungs. And then he sensed it. Dean’s smell. He turned around and walked near the table, taking another deep breath.

“Sam, something has happened here” said the angel. Sam turned his head.

“What?”

“I can smell Dean much more in this spot…”

“Like you smelled that dead guy a couple of years ago?”

“Yes, but here it’s less…” Cas stopped and turned at Sam. “He was angry, and then exited... almost euphoric…” Cas stepped forward, following the scent. “no… he’s scared now… terrified… He’s in pain. Terrible pain.”  Castiel frowned. Human emotions were hard to name. Even though he had been human, he had to concentrate a lot to tell the difference between molecules.

“This is bad. Really bad. It’s the Mark… It has done something awful to him. We have to find him Cas!” said Sam returning to the computer. Outside, the hailstorm started.

Dean was still driving when the hailstorm started. Only the sound of the ice on the hood of the Impala made him realize that it would be better to find shelter. Not for him. He knew deep down that he didn’t deserve anything but pain. For his Baby. He took an exit and found himself looking at an old abandoned barn at the end of the road. The north side of the thing was wrecked but the south side was good enough to shelter the car. While maneuvering he looked at the rear mirror and his heart skipped a beat. Sam and Castiel, covered in blood were looking at him. He hit the break and turned around but the rear seat was empty. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn’t real. They were dead. He should have burned their bodies.

“You killed us Dean. How could you do that” Sam’s voice was near him. He opened his eyes and Sammy was sitting shotgun, his throat still slit open, covered in his own blood. His brother’s eyes were full of anger and resent.

“how could you do that. We trusted you Dean!” Castiel was outside, in the middle of the storm. Blood and grace still on his clothes. Dean looked at him, feeling a cold knot in his stomach. Instinctively he restarted the car and drove straight into the barn. Once inside he got out of the car and grabbed a gun.

“you’re a murderer Dean. You killed the only two people that loved you!” said Cas walking slowly towards him. Dean pointed the gun and shot but the bullets did nothing to the angel.

“and you didn’t even flinch, you didn’t even hesitate” said Sammy, materializing beside him. Dean shot again but nothing changed. Cas and Sam pushed him against the wall. The pain when he hit the ground was enough to make him dizzy. He looked up and his brother and the angel were knelt beside him.

“I’m so sorry Cas… I’m so sorry Sammy… I…” his own words choked in his throat. He couldn’t speak anymore. Nothing would change. His brother and his best friend were dead. And it was his fault. There are no amends for that. No words, no forgiveness.

“You’re right Dean… You can’t be forgiven. Not after what you’ve done to us.” said Sammy.

“What am I supposed to do?” asked Dean looking at him.

“There is only one thing that you can do…” said Cas smiling. And that smile sent chills along Dean’s spine. “You know very well what it is Dean” continued the angel, looking at the gun in the hunter’s hand.

 

“Found him!!” screamed Sam. It was by miracle that one of the phones in the glover compartment of the car was still on. And that it had GPS. Cas and him rushed to the car. The hailstorm was raging but they didn’t care. Dean was too important.

 

Dean looked at the gun. He tried to shoot himself with it. Such a pity there were no bullets left. He sighed and curled himself against the wall. He hailstorm was raging against what was left of the barn. Every now and then some ice would fall inside, hitting the ground.

“that’s why I don’t like guns. They always run out of bullets” said Castiel, walking around him like he was a prey.

“but you know what never fails you Dean?” Asked Sam smiling

“My knife” said Dean looking at his leg. He always hid a knife there. They were right. He didn’t deserve to go on. Not after what he had done. He pulled up his sleeves and took the knife. The cold blade gave him goose bumps. He pressed the tip of the knife and as soon as he felt it enter deep enough he started to cut along his forearm. Blood started to flow. He looked at it.

“that’s good Dean. Probably the first good thing you have ever done.” Said Sam smiling.

“But that’s not enough. Come on Dean. Finish this once and for all” said Cas. Dean nodded and proceeded to cut his other arm. Then he let go of the knife and slowly stared as his blood flowed and slowly mixed with ice.

“Dean!” he looked up. Sam and Cas were looking at him. They weren’t covered in blood anymore. Dean smiled at them.

“see? I did what you told me to do… now please, forgive me for killing you… please…” his eyes were losing focus. It was getting darker and darker. He could feel their warm hands gripping him before he passed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks to cloud-of-ash.tumblr.com for the support, beta testing, patience and constant help! This Fic wouldn't exist without you! lots of love Honey!

 

Dean could feel something but exactly what he couldn’t tell. His mind was still too blurred. He could only see darkness but he was fairly sure it was because he couldn’t open his eyes yet. The noises around him seemed like a far away murmur. He wasn’t a demon, that he could tell. So he probably was dead. He could feel pain which meant he was in hell. Not that it surprised him. If you kill your brother and your best friend, an angel of the Lord by the way, and then commit suicide, of course your ass gets dragged to hell.  But something was off. The pain was localized only in his arms. And it was far too soft for hell. So what was it? Was he an echo now? A ghost stuck in a loop re-living his death For eternity?

He was trying to come up with a way out when he felt it. Something wet on his forehead, wet and cold, swiping it gently of the sweat. This was completely off with his ghost and echo theory. And the murmur seemed a bit closer to him now. He tried to focus on something, whatever it was that he could grasp. And then he felt it. The warmth in his hand. Something alive was in his hand. Something slightly hotter than him, something that was holding him, caressing him and… talking to him. He wanted to see, to scream, to  do something but nothing happened. A warm voice, so familiar, a voice that he had known his entire life, was whispering to him. He could feel the pain and the fear in that voice and all he wanted to do was calm his little brother down, tell him everything was alright. But then he realized it was a lie. A lie made for him because he had killed his little brother. And this was his torture. Knowing his brother was there with him and not being able to see it. A wave of despair hit him and he abandoned himself in the total darkness.

Sam looked at Castiel as the angel slowly and gently wiped the sweat from Dean’s forehead. They had been taking turns to watch over him but Sam had never managed to leave his brother’s bedside. And Dean wasn’t  getting better.

“he needs more blood” whispered Sam grabbing his brother’s hand and slowly and gently stroking it.

“I’ll go for a run” said Cas leaving the wet cloth to Sam.

The little brother looked at Dean and leaned a bit forward.

“please Dean, wake up. Don’t leave us like this. Cas and I are here… don’t give up. I can’t do it without you. We need you Dean. We love you, Cas loves you, I love you. Please come back. Please.” But Dean didn’t wake up.

 

When Cas returned with more blood Sam was staring helplessly at his brother. He reluctantly let go of his hand to put the blood bags in the IV.

Cas tried again to heal Dean, but just as the previous five attempts it ended up with the angel needing to sit and not the slightest change in Dean. Sam blamed the mark and slowly sat back at his place, near his brother and took his hand between his own again. Cas stared at them and sighed.

 

Dean felt the warmth again. He had no idea how much time had passed. The pain was lesser than before. That made no sense. Why would he feel better while in hell? Was this one of Crowley’s new tricks?why would he even…

“Dean. Please” he heard it this time. Clear as a bell. Sam’s voice, it was so close and yet it seemed so distant. “Don’t leave us. You have to fight it. You promised me. We would be together, come whatever. Do you remember that?” and he wanted to scream to Sam that he always remembered that promise but there was no voice in him and no strength in his body.

“Dean we are here, we’re not going to leave you. So don’t leave us.” This time it was a different voice. It was Cas. Cas couldn’t be in hell, he was an angel. And Crowley didn’t have the power to transfigurate into the angel. So he was probably brought back to life again. And if Cas was alive he would have certainly brought back Sam. So was it all a lie? His head was spinning, hurting and he couldn’t think clearly anymore.

Sam and Cas had been by Dean’s side for days now. Never leaving him alone, taking turns and always watching over him. But nothing had changed. Not until then. Dean’s hand moved. It was soft and weak but it did. Sam and Cas almost jumped from their seats.

Dean felt them near him. Felt their body warmth and their hands reaching for him. It took almost everything he had to squeeze their hands back. And then he felt it. Castiel’s fingers on his forehead. He was sure they were his. He had felt them so many times. But this time it was different. He felt better. His energy was rising. He opened his eyes and blinked a couple of times, trying to focus. His brother and his angel were looking at him, worried and euphoric at the same time. He managed to give them a faint smile.

“you’re alive” he said.

“of course we are.”

“We would never leave you.”

And when he heard them say those words he could feel the weight of the universe being lifted from him.

 

The next few days were bliss. His brother kept bringing him tomato rice soup made just like he had taught him and giving him all the snacks he asked without even complaining about cholesterol.

Cas was hilarious too. Every day he would show up with pie, a new issue of “Busty Asian Beauties” or the newest DVD of Casa Erotica. Sometimes toilet paper too but Sam stopped him after the tenth maxi sized pack.  Dean on the other hand found it hilarious.

after a while he could stand up and walk around for a bit. The first thing he did when he stood up was hug them tight. He didn’t want to let them go. Never again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have enjoyed this short fanfic your comments and kudos will make me extra happy!


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